ARGH.

•October 21, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Going crazy. Hurts.

Plus I’m pretty sure I have a post of the same name already. Hmm.

I swear too much.

•May 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Fuck it.

On a side note, my room is so hot that sweat is literally dripping off my face. Eww. I like strawberry lollipops. Also. I have apparently ‘technically’ not been de-virginised. Tch. All I wanted was a fuck.

Fried Rice.

•May 3, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I just ate enough fried rice for five people. But it smelt so good, I couldn’t help myself. Mm, yummy. And now I’m making 小笼包 because my parents got angry that I ate all the food.  Ow… hungry.

This was such a pointless post.

Fuck.

•April 17, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Spent the whole entire holiday doing anything but revision. In other words, absolutely fuck all. I am such a procrastinator. So screwed. What am I going to do? I actually feel a bit sick. Sick with worry. Oh, the failure.

Spent the whole day on the internet today. I have only learnt one thing; my laptop gets hot enough to burn when left on for such a long period of time. I was doing ‘research’ again. For a virgin, I have a surprisingly corrupt mind. Nothing is new to me anymore. Hours and hours of smut and NOTHING. Tch. Also spent a long time texting people about sex. Also nothing new there. Why do I waste my life on shit like this? Gah.

Fuckity fuck. FUCK.

Why?

•April 7, 2009 • Leave a Comment

For fuck’s sake. Too many people know. Too many fucking insensitive people know. Why don’t I learn to just shut my mouth and stop talking? It’ll make life a lot easier.

‘Unpleasant’.

•March 8, 2009 • 2 Comments

According to my parents, I am a very ‘unpleasant’ little girl. It’s true. I’m not… nice. God, I fucking hate that adjective; it means nothing at all. But I have come to accept the fact that sometimes I am not nice.

I am a complete and utter pessimist. I live life in a cloud of negativity. I am almost always unhappy. And I think I actually somewhat like being miserable. What is wrong with me?

Appearances are deceptive. Chances are; I hate you. Yes, yes. ‘Hate’ is too strong a word to use so callously. But I probably do. Sometimes. Whenever I am in a large crowd of people, I always get this closed-in sense of dread and paranoia. Because, I fear that someone, somewhere can hear my thoughts. And my thoughts are never nice. My inner voice – a constant commentary on absolutely anything and everything around me – is a total bitch. I’ve been told recently that whilst my expression is usually blank (I am in the habit of spacing out at the most inopportune moments), when I am silently judging  someone (unfavourably, always) my expression turns melancholy. I wonder why…

There are some people I cannot bear to be around. I really, really cannot stand them. Sure, they may have proven to be a valuable friend sometime in the past but dear God, how can a person be so FUCKING ANNOYING? Sometimes, just seeing them makes me feel sick. When they talk to me (I never talk to them out of choice; in most cases, I have been talking to another friend and they just interrupt with an unwelcome and uninteresting little anecdote which reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem) I cannot even bring myself to make eye contact. I am always unresponsive and spend the minute-long conversation staring at the carpet. Thankfully, they get bored of the lack of sympathy and wander off to find someone else to piss the hell out of.  More than once, I have contemplated being the child that I am and actually telling them ‘I don’t want to be your friend anymore’ but then I feel sad that I am not mature enough to just accept it. I really have tried to just get over the intense repulsion but it doesn’t work. Neither does avoidance. I also really, really hate PDAs. I do not like people touching me. I rarely give hugs. The only reason why I let people hold my hand or link arms with me is so they won’t touch me. And yet, these people ALWAYS, ALWAYS try to fucking touch me. I DO NOT HUG. You would think that physically running away from arms outstretched in the gesture would suffice, but no. Fucking psychos that they are, like to accost me from behind and wrap their needy little embrace around me. It takes every ounce of perseverance in me to not turn around and slap them. And yet, over all the inner hatred because somehow I still care about not hurting people, I can resist flinching in disgust.

I do not know how much longer this can last. I am at least still civil, but, each day I’m getting closer and closer to breaking point. When that happens, I sure as hell wouldn’t like to be them. But even more so, I wish it didn’t have to be me being the one to hurt them.

Why do I make myself unhappy?

Headache.

•March 4, 2009 • Leave a Comment

So, today. Was a total nightmare. I have told only four people in school (five by association) about it because I really honestly do not see why I should have to explain myself to anyone. BUT. I found out that people have ‘heard’ about my whole fishy issue. People who have told other people about my fishiness, when I have never ever even spoken to them about it. People who then think it is right for them to pass judgement on my decisions, people who think it is in their place to tell me who I am and what I should be doing.

No.

This entire reaction was exactly why I didn’t want people to know. I don’t want to have to explain myself. I do what I do because it makes her happy. And people don’t understand that.

 
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